Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! Thank you for being such an amazing mother and always loving me!
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Here’s something that doesn’t happen very often. Especially in the world of moms, women and bloggers.
After spin class I was talking to one of the other girls, T, from the class and our mutual friend, J, was mentioned in conversation. She wasn’t at class today, but recently got to go experience a fabulous blogger perk.
T was truly happy for our friend. Not, “wow, that’s so cool, I wish it was me” happy, but deep down, genuinely happy that she could have this awesome experience.
What a wonderful way to celebrate with each other!
This is an area that I would like to improve myself. I find that jealousy creeps in all too easily when something good happens to a friend, from simple things (why can’t I have an iPhone, too!) to bigger jealousies that we might be afraid to admit even to ourselves.
Let’s take this week to truly celebrate in the joys, excitements and achievements of others!
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A HUGE thank you to everyone who commented, shared, messaged, responded to and read my last post, Experiencing the Unexpected. And, Surviving. I am so touched by all the kind words and encouragement that you have all shown. My heart breaks for those who have gone through, or are in the midst of the same struggles, each one of you is in my thoughts and prayers. There is hope and grace on this difficult journey.
I am in no way a medical professional (I’m still waiting for the medical field to recognize my dr. google degree…) If you feel you are going through similar struggles or can relate to some of the feelings I described please seek advice from a trained medical professional. Your doctor can make recommendations on the course of treatment that will be best for you.
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I’ve been toying with this post for a long time. Months. And now, even as I sit down to write it, I struggle with just how much I want to share.
It’s been almost six months since I gave birth to the most amazing little girl that I know. I love her so much that it hurts. My heart swells for her and I experience such a powerful and strong love that I never could have imagined.
It wasn’t always like this.
From the day I came home from the hospital I knew that we should’ve waited longer to have a baby. There was no way that I could be responsible for such a small life depending on me for her every need. Each cry seemed to be for a need that I couldn’t fulfill. I didn’t know if she was getting enough food. She never seemed to sleep. How could one tiny baby be so demanding?
I was certain that we were destined for failure.
I remember sitting on our couch sobbing. If everyone else seemed to love motherhood so much, what was wrong with me?
Every other thought was of something that I would do wrong, or things that would go wrong or harm her years into the future. There would be things in her life that I couldn’t protect her from. What a horrible realization. A mother’s worst fear, there are going to be things that happen to her that I cannot prevent or protect her from.
With this dark cloud looming over my head I also struggled to rationalize normal life. I could barely pull myself together, if I wasn’t crying, I was struggling not to cry and wondering how to deal with these feelings that everyone told me were normal.
Thankfully, I was going to the doctor on a regular basis to have my blood pressure monitored. I think I went to the doctor at least three times in the first weeks. Lack of sleep and crazed-hormones made me a wreak that I couldn’t hide. My doctor could recognize that what I was dealing with went beyond new mom anxiety and into the world of postpartum anxiety. The fears that I was afraid to verbalize were not normal.
There was something very comforting in knowing that the thoughts and feelings I had were not normal. There is a huge learning curve in the first few weeks of motherhood. Huge. Irrational anxiety doesn’t belong there and thankfully it was only part of my story for a brief period. I know that Elise came into our lives at exactly the right time and that God wanted us to be her parents. I am so glad that I came to a place where I can see the good again. God has been good in this journey. My heart is full and we are so very blessed.
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